death
pills
He led her down the hall
They stopped at the entry of a room
He put his hand on her shoulder
He pressed ever so gently
She went in
He said. “sit on the bed”
She sat on the bed
He said, “open your legs”
She said, “no”
He took her hands
He opened them
He put four little pills in one
He said, “here take these”
He handed her a glass of water
She took the pills
Drank some water
Suicide
You are a book that speaks to me whenever I need it.
You carried a weight.
And now you own it.
Suicide.
And years ago you purchased a gun.
You left Oregon, quitting your job.
Your ex girlfriend didn’t call much anymore.
Days after work were long.
Electronics and dishes piled up.
You thought maybe it be best for you to go so you rented a U-Haul truck and left for California.
Still so crazy to think.
The signs were all there.
Its like we let you go.
Can’t help but feel responsible, you know, we all do.
Not sure it’s more courageous to shoot yourself in the head though,
Than live a life of misery.
Not sure I’ll ever know, though I do fear the painful ending of something like that also living in misery myself.
Sometimes, not sure the statistics but sometimes it takes two shots.
I heard that carbon monoxide is the least painful way to do it.
That is how I’d go, or affixation. I heard you have a gag reflex though that shoots waves of panic through you as you are gasping for air.
I still think about the time we went to Disneyland.
We had to hide our infatuation with each other from my brother.
Thinking back we were so stupid.
We could have been lovers back then, no one would have stopped us.
We did a lot of regretting.
I know you regret a lot.
I know you were also dealt the wrong hand.
I don’t know why though you got so hung up on girls.
I mean your step sister blowing you off, me dating someone else.
The abortion.
Your mom, I know she had a lot to do with your depression.
At your funeral she spoke so beautifully about you.
It was like everyone there was at fault so hearing your mom speak like that was surprising, especially after all I heard about her.
Thick like liquid you pump through my veins.
And what has come of it?
The romance of dying.
I’m not equipped either you see, not sure why we never really talked about it.
Towards the end you didn’t hide a thing though.
Hate to say but people were growing tired.
Like a double edged sword.
It was so good
It was so good
We talked like we never have before
It was percussion
Precision
Almost spiritual
Touch of death in there
He said I’m so obsessed with it because I fear it
Yeah maybe I do
He said he doesn’t fear death
He said how can you fear something you’ve never experienced before?
I’m finally happy
One day I’ll find peace and solace
And when I do you can be sure
I’ll finally be happy
And can say it truthfuly
Hopefully by now you’ll get a chance
To better understand me
Stacks of diaries and journals
Left behind for eternal
To leave for you
To get another look at me
I hope you’ll learn to know
That all that I’ve been through
Has been worth it in the end
And although I didn’t travel much
I have seen everything
Not only can I say that
But I’m also not afraid anymore
Of the haunting nightmares of death
I can say it’s not bad here
Where I rest and lay in my coffin
A powerful moment to live; update
Smooth smoke from in and out the lungs
And a bitter taste on the tongue
What a powerful moment to live
After all you thought was
There’s nothing left to hope for
Except this moment
This moment of power
When you go spinning
Hanging from nails off the ceiling
It’s a crystal nightmare
That stops time from lapsing
It’s what gives you the confidence
To stand up to anyone
Until you bent forward on the floor
Dry heaving
Coughing up the blood
You bleed internally
Writhing in your spit
Until finally you wish
For something more
Something
@beckettlives 